My Diary

कितना ही सम्भालो, ये दिल बार बार टूट जाता है कुछ खाली सा हैं यहाँ , जाने क्यों हर बार हाथ से हाथ  छूठ जाता हैं आँखें ये भर भर जाती हैं, और ये दिल.... खाली रह जाता हैं कुछ तो मर्ज़ी हैं ऊपर वाले की, ना जीया जाता हैं ना मरा जाता हैं एक इंतज़ार हैं उस्का और एक ये ज़िन्दगी जो ख़तम नहीं होता  और एक ये मेरा दर्द जो अब बर्दाश्त नहीं होता|

Feb. 11, Tuesday evening Sitting in office and wondering why I am here... Like seriously???? - this is the question running in my mind right now. I love working and I infact enjoy what I do, but here, here in this office it's like, I am the UNWANTED person. Why ? no answer....  and then keep telling and yelling at me that move on Pooja. I am awesome and doesn't matter if some of the people here dislike me... *SIGH*

Feb. 7, Friday  Skipped a day, arghhhh medicines... Too strong they were. Still feeling dizzy...  Anyway today it was a different day altogether. I'm missing my Gurgaon home already. Trying a dating app n already frustrated with too many texts. Why the hell I installed it. People there are annoying and strange, really strange. Hope I'll be able to divert my mind and move on from this pain soon. I know its not a right approach but I don't see any other way out.  But man... *Look what to did to me...* This song  is playing in my mind on repeat now. Feb. 9, Sunday Morning...  In this phase of missing him all the time, don't know that I am doing to myself. This was never me and this is not right either. The only good thing happened so far is finding a good friend who can sit with me listen to good music and all my nonsense talks. I found a friend as weird as me but hey... I still miss you. And I still wonder why u did this to me... ...

Feb.5, 2020 Life is funny, its good, its sweet, its bitter and sometimes its like a stale pickle; can't just express enough on how it feels. Its strange that how sometimes I feel awesome and next minute I feel its all over. Happiness is momentary so as sadness. I guess its all a mind game and I'm always on it.  I'm feeling all empty and right now I can exactly feel the same how I felt post my divorce and I wrote a story called "Incomplete"; yeah I did and somehow I realized today while looking for that story, that I lost all the chapters somehow. Bad idea of keeping everything online. I am sure, all of us atleast once in our life time think of how we can just direct our lives and just fail to do so. I have done it manyyyyy times and failed. But didn't give up. 

Feb. 4, 2020 Been awake whole night and it's not any new but tonight it looks like I'm haunting myself with what I've been doing to myself. This feeling of  being unwanted and neglected is killing me day by day. I wish there was a switch to recycle, I wish I could undo things. I wish I could just yell hey Pause and walk away. I wish I could stop myself from dwelling in my tears. I wish....